The body of
legendary Notre Dame football star, George Gipp, was exhumed last week
and DNA was gathered. For what purpose, nobody has been told. We can
only assume and at Silliman on Sports assumptions about exhumations
happens to be our strong suit.
A little history, in case a few of you can
not remember George Gipp. Gipp was Notre Dame’s first real star. He
passed, ran, kicked and scored like very few backs since. He also died
young, at the age of 25 in the year 1920. Knute Rockne was said to be
at the side of Mr. Gipp during his last days and George whispered to
the famous coach “Win one for me, coach.” Now here’s the paradox.
George Gipp is kind of a wussy name. Not to degrade him or his feats,
but the name doesn’t conger up a manly tone, like the name Rock Hudson,
but that’s another paradox. However, the coaches name – Knute Rockne –
is an all-time manly name. Be apprised, his name was K-nute, not Newt,
like the whiney Senator or the slimy salamander. If you have a name
like Knute Rockne, you eat nails for lunch and buy your toilet paper at
the hardware store. You are a man’s man. You’re a coaches coach but
when lying-there-dying-of-pneumonia George Gipp says win one for me,
you turn into a blubbering baboon. Your eyes go to mush and it’s the
saddest thing you ever saw in black and white and it ends up,
eventually, putting the guy who plays George Gipp in the movies into
the White House.
“Win one for the Gipper” became a rallying cry
for Knute Rockne and for Notre Dame and they pretty well mowed down
every team they played in the twenties and the thirties and since he
played George Gipp in the movie, Ronald Reagan adopted this slogan for
his own political gain. When news came that George Gipp’s corpse was
being exhumed, many thought the exhumation was happening in California.
Wrong, of course. Ronnie is still planted and the exhumation took place
in the upper peninsula of Michigan. But why?
Many Gipp descendents are asking the same
thing. Has a love child come forth? If so, he or she would be pushing
87-88 years old. Is Ronald Reagan’s acting career buried in that crypt?
Some say that was his best role and so much better than being second
fiddle to chimp named Bonzo. After the Gipper role, Reagan’s acting
career seemed like it fell off into a valley – a death valley. Why else
would an exhumation be made? Has the Notre Dame football team under
Charely Weis become so bad they are resorting to digging up old stars
for cloning purposes?
Now that’s a theory we, at Silliman on Sports,
consider plausible. Next you dig up the Four Horsemen, swipe a little
DNA, have Touchdown Jesus bless it and you secretly work your way back
into contention. Let’s hope this doesn’t work in some sort of “Pushing
Daisies” scenario. In that if you dig up an ex-star, grab his DNA, and
successfully clone a football player then for kharmatic purposes a
current or recent player has to drop dead to equalize the clone. We’ve
heard Charlie Weis has been looking strangely in Rudy’s direction.
We’ve also heard one of the quarterbacks from this year’s Notre Dame
team caught wind of the plot and quickly transferred to another team.
Are little pieces of Jimmy Hoffa buried in George
Gipp’s coffin? That’s a theory being bandied. We realize George Gipp’s
crypt would make a good hiding spot for dismembered Jimmy but, we
suspect, that whoever chopped up Hoffa might be a Notre Dame fan and
wouldn’t dare desecrate a former hero.
That leaves only one other theory. Someone is
writing a book about George Gipp’s life and for research purposes has
him dug up. As it happens, Michael Bynum is writing a book and had ESPN
film the exhumation. This theory I understand. I’m a writer and writers
have people exhumed, for research purposes, all the time. In fact I
have so many people exhumed, I can’t remember who I’m exhuming next
week. When I remember, I’ll let you know.