Did you know you could buy the
naming rights or promotional campaign to the destruction of a big
public building? No? Well, you’re wrong, Macaroni Breath, because Texas
Stadium is going down, man, and for the few months before it explodes,
Kraft Foods will be promoting the Cheese Whiz out of the event. The old
stately stadium is not coming down quietly.
Did you know you could buy promotion rights to a
public implosion for a mere $ 75,000?
That’s the fee, plus another $ 75,000 worth of Mac and Cheese given to
Irving charities. It will be an historical event and it will be cheesy.
Kraft Mac and Cheese plans this week to run a
national essay contest for children. The winner gets to trigger the
detonation at the public demolition. Oh, boy. Kids writing essays about
how much they like Mac and Cheese… and then how much they like to break
things, little pyromaniacs with a chance to win big? What will these
essays read like… from Mac and Cheese eating, explosion loving
children? Something like this:
“I love Mac and Cheese. Yum, yum, yum. Eating
Mac makes me happy ‘cause my tummy makes little explosion noises when
it’s full of Mac and Cheese. Boom, boom, boom. I want to be like Wiley
Coyote and flip the switch on Texas Stadium. BOOM!”
Or maybe this will be a winner: “When I was little,
Dad bought me a Bob the Builder. Whenever other kids built a nice tall
building, I knocked it down. I used cherry bombs my big brother saved
from July 4th and brought those suckers down. If I win the contest I’ll
bring my hard hat. If I don’t win, that’s okay… cause I know where you
live.”
“Mac and Cheese is the best food, ever. I am so
happy Mac and Cheese is helping to destroy the football stadium. I hope
they make cheddar flavored explosives. That would be awesome if after
the stadium exploded, everything smelled like cheese.”
This probably won’t win: “I am unhappy Mac and
Cheese is the sponsor. I wanted Tony Roma’s Bar-B-Que to sponsor the
explosion. I like Tony Romo and if his bar-b-que was the sponsor they
could build a Texas Stadium replica made out of pork ribs, dripping in
brown sugar sauce, with Jessica Simpson pouring on the sauce… in her
Daisy Duke outfit. I don’t see how macaroni and cheese can compete with
a mouth-watering stadium made of ribs, next to Jessica.”
This probably won’t win, either: “My mom is making
me enter your stupid contest. Yes, I’d like to smash that stadium to
smithereens but I hate Mac and Cheese. I only eat it because my mom is
too cheap to buy decent food. Instead of Oreo’s we had Hydrox. No Coke
in our house, only Shasta. Let me bring down that stadium. Let me do it
for all the kids with cheap moms.”
There will be webcams catching the explosion on a
Sunday morning in the near future. The City of Irving (pronounced
Oyyyving by Jerry Lewis) will receive tons of publicity promoting the
event. Expect it to be immortalized in a poem by Maya Angelou:
“You may write me down in history… with my twisted
girder beams
You may walk upon my crumbled stone… amongst
cheddar smells it seems
Does my Mac-i-ness upset you… the pasta in my
cheese?
I once stood tall and open topped… a monolith,
in the breeze”
