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January 15, 2015
By Stan Silliman


THE DEZ BRYANT CATCH...OVERANALYZED
 

     
In 2028, they’ll still be talking about it. The catch that wasn’t cost the Cowboys a trip to the finals. Has it been discussed to death? Yes. Will we discuss it even more below? Yes, we will. We will dig the catch up from its grave and show you angles you had no idea existed.  
 
“Wait!” you say, “Haven’t we seen all the pictures? Isn’t this the most overanalyzed film to come out of Dallas since Zapruder?”
 
Gee, we don’t know. Let’s ask a few folks. How about Jim Garrison?
“The catch was high… and to the left.  High, and to the left.”
 
“The ball hit a grassy knoll before it touched the frozen tundra,” says Mort Saul, determined to get to the bottom of this, even if it means giving up his demanding comedy career.
 
“I wouldn’t say it was a grassy knoll, so much,” comments Chris Christie, new BFF of Jerry Jones, “as it was a toll. Like Bryant caught the ball but couldn’t get past the tollbooth.”
 
“The way the Cowboys were treated on that call was an abortion of justice,” says Henry Wade.
 
“I was right there looking at the Dez’s catch,” says Joseph Randal, teammate of Bryant. “He had it firmly in his soft, soft grips, like, you know, a nice soft pair of underwear holds you around the crotch.”
 
Of course, we had to ask Ross Perot. Perot told us “Can I talk about the catch? Was it a catch? That’s what the guys in stripes are for. There are people who are on the field and there are people who sit in the stands. Those who sit in the stands always seem to know more about the game than those on the field.”  
 
“He did not drop his ball,” said Lance Armstrong.
Do you swear by that, Lance?
 
Tommy Lee Jones, another Dallasite, was asked to comment. He said “Do you want me to say something funny about whether a football player caught or didn’t catch a football? I would but I don’t have a sense of humor of any recognizable sort.”
 
Obviously, we had to have JR Ewing ring in “Well, you can tell Jerry weren’t paying those refs enough. If this game was at Southfork, that call wouldn’t been overturned. Blood might be thicker than water, but oil is thicker than both.”
 
“Are you sure it wasn’t all a dream?” offers Patrick “Bobby Ewing” Duffy.

 

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