“Bring it! Throw it!
Hit ‘em with a Rock. If we don’t win it, then I’ll be shocked!”
Okay, so it doesn’t rhyme perfectly. What do you
expect from cheerleaders at the Collegiate Rock Paper Scissors
championship?
“Hit her with some paper but don’t you try to rape
her!”
No! Stop that!
“Surprise him with the Scissors! Don’t dress like
Eddie Izzard!”
Hey, quit that. That’s terrible!
The USA Rock Paper Scissors Collegiate Championship
will be held March 14-17 in Acapulco. The winner will walk away with $
25,000 in scholarships.
Yes!! Hurry down to Acapulco for the greatest sport of all time. And by
greatest sport we mean greatest sport involving one hand. And by sport,
we mean widest opportunity, open to competitors of all ages, all
languages and sexual orientation.
How much do we revere the equality of Rock Paper
Scissors? So much that we feel a ten ton stone monument should be
erected at statehouses throughout our land promoting the virtues of
RPS. We propose a monument with a scene depicting a piece of paper
being cut by scissors. Of course, the monument is made of rock so all
our bases are covered… with paper… being cut by…
Will the ACLU object to RPS monuments being erected
at statehouses? Sure, it’s a highly moral game promoting old fashioned
virtues therefore we’d like laws enacted requiring RPS to replace coin
tosses on matters of high governmental importance. We’re hoping
the ACLU registers no protest.
The equality of the game is its greatest virtue.
Anybody can play. Even Rahm Emanuel can play it. Against someone who
might be a little… er… umm… shall we say… er… well, you know what I
mean.
Here’s our only complaint. We have nothing against
Acapulco but we think the event warrants a bigger venue and audience
than the spring break beach crowd. Why not stage it in JerryWorld? If
the Dallas Cowboy stadium can host 108,000 people for a NBA All-Star
game, imagine how many can cram in to witness Rock Paper Scissors? Hear
me out. For the All-Star game space had to be left for a 50’x100’
basketball court. For RPS all you need is 10’x10’. That’s 100
square feet as opposed to 5000’. In other words, 3000 more
people! Plus we’d be able to see the cheerleaders doing their RCP
cheers on the oversized godzillatron.
“Rock and paper! Paper and rock! Give ‘em awe! Give
‘em shock! Go team!!”
