|Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
PAULA DEEN SHOULD HELP RE-NAME
Paula, I have an idea that might help you on image repair. In fact, you’ll be doing a favor to another party often accused of racism. You should think about helping the Washington Redskins come up with a less racist team name.
“The Redskins?” Paula says, “Oh, Dearie, did y’all know I threw out the first ball for the Washington Nationals. They love me in Washington. I supported Obama and the Redskins were my daddy Earl’s favorite pro football team.”
Not a surprise. Before the Cowboys, Falcons or Dolphins came into the league, the Redskins claimed the South as their fan base. That’s why they resisted integration far longer than any other NFL team.
“Hon, I did not know that. I thought the South loved them because they had crazy fans called the ‘Hogs’ and y’all know we Southern folks loves our pig meat.”
This could help you, Paula. You got in trouble for admitting in court you said a certain word. Also, some of your apologies dug you in deeper.
“What was wrong with my apologies? I told people I had the sugar, which I did. Plus I’m old and sometimes, I just feel like quoting my comedian friend, Eddie Griffin.”
Yeah, but you can’t call your cook “My little monkey.” That won’t fly which brings us back to the Redskins. Howard Cosell, if he were alive, would tell you can’t say that. He caught hell when he called a game where wide receiver Alvin Garrett couldn’t be tackled by blurting out “That little monkey gets loose, doesn’t he!” Paula, do you know what team Alvin Garrett was with?
“The Redskins, Dearie? So it would help both of us if I helped them find a less offensive name? What if they went with ‘Redskin Taters.’ They could still keep their song, just add Tater. I could help them with their stadium menu. All kinds of ways to cook taters.”
I think Football teams want something that is central to their region or fierce and scary sounding but not too cheesy.
“Not too cheesy? Y’all don’t know me. The cheesier the better. But hey, ain’t they associated with the first Thanksgiving dinner? How ‘bout the Washington Wild Turkeys? Oh, wait, more delicious, the Butterballs. Yummy.”
I don’t know. How would the cheerleaders dress? They can’t wear turkey suits.
“Oh, Hon, y’all will just love it when they wiggle in their Pocahontas costumes.”
Er, no, don’t think so. Somebody might object. Remember, it took the Redskins fifteen years to integrate after the other teams did. It got so bad both sides were picketing their stadium with the KKK carrying stupid signs like “KEEP THE REDSKINS WHITE”. They’ve got a history. You’ve got a history. If you can help them, you help yourself. Think up something with the word “red” in it.
“Red Monkeys? Not scary enough? How ‘bout the Red Monkeys… of Doom? Wait a moment. How ‘bout ‘Red Snappers’? That’s a scary fish… but very yummy. Dearie, don’t they snap the ball in football? We can serve snapper in the stadium… with an integrated serving crew. Anyone can serve a snapper… even Indians. Will they love me now?”
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|Silliman On Sports
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