Italian soccer star Marco
Borriello failed a drug test when he tested
positive for steroids and faces suspension.
Okay, that’s not much of a story and maybe you
haven’t heard of Borriello.
In case you think he’s the Marco that was head
butted by Zidane in the
2010 World Cup, he’s not. That was Marco
of Italian soccer players named Marco .You’d
think more Marcos would be playing polo.
This Marco plays for Milan, happens to be a
really good soccer player… and happens to date
Argentine swimsuit model Belen Rodriguez.
We’re not writing this
because he flunked a drug test. Athletes fail
drug tests every day. But not everyday does an
athlete blame his girlfriend for his stupidity.
Not everyday does a jock claim he must have
ingested steroids when he came in contact with
his girlfriend’s yeast infection cream. But hey,
we’re dealing with a macho Italian. Who can
figure out those guys?
Like I said, we’ve heard
excuses but we think this one ranks, no pun
intended, right up there in the hall-of-fame of
excuses. And when we say no pun intended,
forgetaboutit, there was a pun
We’re not trying to be too
graphic here but either Marco mistook Belen’s
medicine tube for toothpaste or got it some
other way. I think he wants us to think he got
it some other way and therefore, when they
realize how pretty and irresistible his
supermodel honey is, the governing board will
have mercy or at least understanding and then not
suspend him. We think that’s revealing a little
too much about his girlfriend and we have no
idea whether she’s happy about this kind of pub,
but again, we’re dealing with macho Italians.
And there are plenty of tabloids hoping to see
this case go to court, especially, Italian
court. Because we think, in Italian court,
anything goes. Picture this scene:
When the judge asks “Mr.
Borriello, do you claim you didn’t knowingly
take steroids? Can you produce evidence to the
contrary?” This is when Borriello’s attorney
turns to the back of the room where doors fly
open, Rodriguez sashays in and he’ll say “Your
Honor, we present Exhibit A.” And, of
course, being a crazy Italian courtroom, music
will start blasting “Don’t you wish your
girlfriend was hot like me? Doncha, Doncha? Hot
like me?” And, of course, in a perfect world
Belen Rodriguez will be cross-examined:
Borriello’s attorney: Miss Belen
Rodriguez, may I-a calla you Bele’? O-kay.
Marco, here, he is your lover, no? And
some-a-times, he kiss you, no?”
Borriello’s attorney: And when-a
he kiss you, he some-a-times kiss you from head
to a toe, no?
Borriello’s attorney: So when-a
he kiss you, did he go and brush-a his teeth?
O-kay. When-a he brush-a his teeth, did you
leave steroid yeast medicine on the counter?
O-kay, did your steroid yeast medicine come-a in
a tube? Shaped like a toothpaste? O-kay. And
your boyfriend, Marco, he not a read so good.”
Borriello’s attorney: Lock him
up, Judge. He is a too stupid to play soccer. He
is a kissing a beautiful woman from a head to a
toe and he a stops in the middle and go brusha
his teeth. He should a finished the job. I’m
ashamed to call him Italiano.” (gesture,
friend at facebook.com/stan.silliman