Sport fans need
advice columnists, too. Regular Joes had Ann Landers. The Regular Joes’
weird aunts and uncles had Dear Abby. Well, we’ve got Ms. Crabby for
the disgruntled sports fan. She’s our newly added staff member except
we can’t say the words “staff” or “member” near her… but anyway. Please
send in your sports gripes, complaints and legitimate questions. Here
are our first few letters:
Dear Ms. Crabby:
The way David Stern penalized
Stoudemire and Diaw of the Suns for barely leaving the bench during a
brawl was despicable. He cost our team the championship. How can I get
revenge on Mr. Stern and what is the best drink to drown my sorrows?
Signed: Scalded in Scottsdale.
Dear Poor, Poor
Scalded: Hey, that’s sports, buddy. If your big guys leave the
bench during a scuffle, you’re busted. Have you ever heard of “rules”
or has the desert sun fried whatever brains you woke up with? Stern
might seem a little harsh, dummy, but what do you expect from a guy
named STERN? Now, as far as
that drink, you can walk out into the desert, find a peyote cactus,
squeeze out the mescaline, pour it into a Stoli, then add some limes so
it’ll be doubly bitter when you’re dreaming of what might have been.
Dear Ms. Crabby: I believe this Roger Clemens special
treatment contract with the Yankees will destroy sports. He’ll be paid
a million dollars a game but not travel with the team, and be allowed
to take off for personal reasons whenever he wants. That’s no way to be
a team mate. This agreement violates everything that’s pure about
sports. What’s the best way to kidnap George Steinbrenner and persuade
him he shouldn’t do this or, at least, to recognize other players
deserve equal treatment. Signed: Alex R.
Dear poor, poor,
little Alex: Seven time Cy Young award winner Roger
Clemens doesn’t want to ride on the bus? And this is going to upset the
war in Iraq? Make the planet spin off its axis? Awwww, sorry if I don’t
get all veklempt, little
Alex. The Yankees need pitching. Clemens is a Hall-of-Famer
who can name his own terms. Some things are not fair. Mother Theresa’s
dead yet Mickey Rourke still lives. Don Ho died during a week you
couldn’t mention the word “Ho.” Rush Limbaugh gets to have a radio
show. Melinda Doolittle out sings everyone and still gets kicked off
Idol. Some things are not fair. As far as kidnapping Steinbrenner, you
can lure him out to the parking lot with Reuben sandwiches. Pile on
loads of sauerkraut.
Dear Ms. Crabby: Jason Giambi admitted taking steroids and
they forgave him. Why can’t that idiot Bonds just fess up and accept
his records won’t be for real? Can you tell me why he won’t do this,
Ms. Crabby? Signed: Martha in
Cut Bonds some slack cause he’s not evil. He’s got a big gigantic
steroid enhanced head and doesn’t know why. It’s not his fault he can’t
remember. It’s the bay area fog. If you grow up in the bay area, your
memory is faulty. OJ couldn’t remember offing his wife. MC Hammer
couldn’t remember all his money slipping through his parachute pants
and Barry can’t remember taking steroids. Now get back to swilling your
beer, eating brats and protecting serial killers named Jeffrey.
Are there any other sports fans with questions? Send
them on. Ms. Crabby is ready.