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Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

Let me just say I don’t blame Manti. Anyone can have imaginary girlfriends. Even one of my good comedian friends has a thing for Samantha Pibb, the hotter than hot wife of the soda pop guy. I know, if you’re having an affair with a fictional guy’s wife she might as well be worth it. So if a Heisman candidate has a very pretty imaginary girlfriend we expect this might evoke a song or two. And if a particular Samoan-Hawaiian footballer has a great air ukulele, right now is the ideal time to whip it out.

You might be asking with what type of songs do you serenade an imaginary girlfriend, especially one named Lennay Kekua? Good question. “She’s Not There” by the Zombies?  There’s a song about an IGF sung by IMAGINARY creatures. We don’t even need to change the lyrics all that much: “Well let me tell you ‘bout the way she looked; The way she’d act and the color of her hair; Her voice was soft and cool; I know I seem a fool BUT… she’s not there.”

Do we dare recall the Monkees with their Daydream Believer? Here again, slight changes to the lyrics might have worked for Te’o when she hit him with the sad cancer news: “Cheer up, Lennay Jean; Listen to what Manti mean; I’m a daydream believer; And you’re my homecoming queen.”

Maybe Manti knew earlier than he let on but got all hung up on the pluses of having an Imaginary Lover like the Atlanta Rhythm Section had: “Imaginary lovers never turn you down; When all the others turn you away, they’re around. Imaginary lover, imaginary lover, you’re mine anytime.”

Here’s one for Manti’s uke Perry Como might call Kekua:
I’m in love with an online student named Kekua
She said Stanford was where she went to school-a
Eyes like pearls, hair like gold
Never been young, but she’ll never get old
Oh, Kekua, I wanna see more of you-a
She types out sweet words playing me like a fool-a
Oh, Kekua, what am I gonna do-a
                          SONGS by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy
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If Doris Day
were around she might suggest this song for Manti:
When I was just a little boy
I asked my mother who will fool me
Will she be pretty; Will she be smart
Here’s what she said to me
Keku-Ku-a, Ku-a
Lennay’s not yours to see

When I grow up and fall in love
I asked my mother what lies ahead
Will there be Heismans and Championships?
Here’s what my mother said
Keku-Ku-a, Ku-a
‘Fraid not, little Manti-a
Johnny Football will win it instead  

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