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By Stan Silliman
       
FAKE JIMMY HASLAM TWITTER WRITER BUSY THESE DAYS


Apr 19: “Being arrested would alienate me from NFL owners, but would give me something in common with NFL players.”

That’s the latest tweet from the Fake Jimmy Haslam twitter account. I’ve been following it for a few weeks and it’s hilarious. I don’t know who writes it but with the FBI busting into the Flying J Travel Stop Knoxville headquarters and commandeering their computers, this guy or gal has plenty to work with.

For those unfamiliar, Jimmy Haslam is, or was (may have stepped down) the billionaire chairman of Pilot Flying J, the largest travel and truck stop business in the country plus he recently bought the Cleveland Browns.  The FBI claims that Flying J has been scamming their trucking customers by shorting the national fuel agreed discounts. Some truckers were purchasing millions of dollars of gas per month.  

Apr 16: “I’m real excited for the draft. Go Browns! Also, anyone have a large industrial-strength paper shredder I can borrow? And a good lawyer?”

Apr 16: “If anyone needs me I’ll be in Mexico living under the name Senor Reggie Hodges.” I don’t totally get that one but Hodges is or was the punter for the Browns.

Apr 3:  “The people who are sad Jay Leno is leaving the Tonight Show are his elderly viewers. Hey, you’ll get through this, Brandon Weeden.”

Catching up on what went down after Haslam bought the team, he fired the head coach, Pat Shurmur as well as GM Mike Holmgren. He tried desperately to hire Oregon coach, Chip Kelly, and failed, telling everyone Kelly was reluctant to leave Oregon. Kelly eventually signed to coach the Eagles AND he hired Shurmur to be his offensive coordinator. Haslam also dealt Colt McCoy to the 49ers. Then he hired Jason Campbell as back up QB. All these events made for funny fake tweets.

Feb 11: “Pilot Flying J is my first love. My wife Dee is my second love. And my third love is, and always will be, firing Mike Holmgren.” We assume Holmgren won’t be stopping at a Flying J anytime soon.

Feb 11: “Chip Kelly says hiring Pat Shurmur as OC is a “slam dunk.” Which is a perfect description since “slam dunk” makes zero football sense.”

Feb 12: “For most of the State of the Union, John Boehner has been doing a spot-on impression of a Browns fan watching a Browns game.” Boehner is from Ohio except most Browns fans are less tan.

Feb 14: “I don’t know much about him but I think the Dawg Pound would approve if we drafted Barkevious Mingo.” This outstanding pass rusher was DE for LSU.
FAKE JIMMY HASLAM TWITTER WRITER
                              BUSY THESE DAYS by Stan Silliman humor
                              sports comedy cartoons articles
Haslam hates Holmgren. Makes for a nice tongue twister but also more funny tweets which, if Haslam could have written, he probably would have:
Feb 26: “The only thing keeping Holmgren from signing w the Raiders is he’s asked to see their dining facility and sample all their meals.” We assume this might be a weight reference.

Feb 26: “Dear Raiders: It’d be much better for your team and your city if, instead of hiring Mike Holmgren, you dump $ 10 million into the ocean.” Easy for Haslam to say. Per the FBI, Flying J may have skimmed $ 10 M or more off their bigger trucking clients.

 



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