To be on my sports teams,
if I had a choice, I’d choose Ganesh, the
multi-armed, elephant-headed son of Shiva, the
Hindu God. If I could choose any one I
wished, being not constricted to humans or
I have this argument with Lyle all the time.
Lyle wants Godzilla and I counter that
Godzilla couldn’t participate in most sports
plus he’s too large to fit in most stadiums.
Besides it’s more than just the games. If
you’re choosing teammates you want someone
you’d go out for a drink with after the
contest. Godzilla is just not someone you’d
want to drag along. Of course, Hercules and
Samson are in the discussion but they’ve got
their flaws which includes an expectation
you’ll cut your hair once in a while. Moses,
while he might be helpful on a few of the
surfing events, wouldn’t contribute that much
to the other sports.
Back to Ganesh, I think he could play multiple
sports and be a contributor in a host of
endeavors. On the tennis court, four racquets
in doubles tennis is almost unfair. And I
looked it up. Nowhere in the rulebooks does it
say tennis players are limited to two arms. I
picture our opponent, the McEnroe brothers,
arguing a call and my partner, Mr. Ganesh,
uses his trunk nose to blow John the blowhard
off the court. And, yes, the crowd lets
out a huge “Ommmmmmm.”
As a pitcher, he’d be superb. He’d have two
gloves and yet, still, he’d hide the ball so
well on his pitching motion you wouldn’t know
which side of his body it’s coming from. Plus
the spin and the British he’d put on the ball
(lots of defeated British army British) would
be phenomenal. If he’s a trash talker, he’d
dish up a particularly nasty pitch by saying
“Ahhh, here’s one with everything.”
Besides all that, the peanut vendors love him.
And the crowd gets into it with a pre-game “Om
Gam Ganesha Namaha” which, of course, is
played on a Yamaha.
He’d be great as a defensive end because as
soon as Buddha tried to block him he’d use two
hands to fend him off and another two hands to
tickle Bud right in his chubby belly. Coming
off the field there’s nothing like several of
his teammates coming up and getting a high
twenty… unless it’s a high forty.
If he’s on my swim team, think of it. He can
do the backstroke, the breast stroke, the
butterfly and the crawl… all at once. That’d
be unbeatable. And if swimming underwater is
required, the trunk works as a snorkel.
On the obstacle course, we’d have a distinct
advantage… because he’d remove all the
And lastly, like I said, for more than just
his on-field prowess he’d make a good
teammate. You want to bond with your
teammates. You want to go out with them. Let’s
say your girlfriend wants to double date and
her friend’s idea of a great date is a
touchy-feel-y guy with some junk-in-the-trunk,
And here’s another thing. I don’t know if
you’re into this but when you’re groping on a
crowded elevator, Ganesh is always going to
get blamed. That’s taking one for the team.
That’s a good teammate.
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