Since we can’t actually give presents to coaches we can at
least send them our wishes. Here’s our holiday wishes to college
coaches for 2007:
To Bobby Knight:
Dick Cheney’s hunting partners - guys who’ll take some buckshot and
keep smiling because it’s celebrity buckshot.
To Kansas coach Mark
Mangino: National Coach of the Year or if he doesn’t get
that, a wicker chair that won’t sag after a few sittings.
To June Jones,
Coach of the University of Hawaii Warriors, who went undefeated despite
being a program so strapped for funds their team had to collect little
hotel soaps to take showers: Shower Gel dispensers.
Franchione, recently fired coach at Texas A & M: Recognition
for being a really good newsletter-putter-outer.
To Les Miles:
a coach willing to step in at Michigan as an interim job. Les can tell
him where to find inexpensive apartments.
To Alabama coach Nick
Saban, who compared his team’s loss to Louisiana-Monroe to
catastrophes on the order of Pearl Harbor and 9/11: A history book.
To Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy: A trademark on “I’m a
Man” bumper stickers.
To West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez, whose Mountaineer
team is playing in the Fiesta Bowl at Phoenix: An opportunity to show
his team and fans other people with Spanish surnames.
To fired Nebraska coach Bill Callahan, who once, after a
trip to Norman, referred to Oklahoma University football fans as a
bunch of f-----g hillbillies: The deliverance of lots of leisure time
with opportunities to take river raft trips down the Chattooga River.
To Mike Leach,
who paid a $ 10,000 referee complaint fine to the Big 12 conference by
delivering one million pennies to the league office: A new wagon with
To Tim Floyd,
USC basketball coach, who without even recruiting landed the highest
profile freshman, OJ Mayo, when Mayo called him and told him USC was
the school where he wanted to attend: A case full of salve to heal the
bruises when he keeps pinching himself.
To Florida University football coach, Urban Meyer, when he wins his next
game: The honor of having the cremated ashes of the recently departed
Gatorade inventor, Robert Cade, dumped over his head.
To South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier, who was challenged
to a boxing match by Herschel Walker after Spurrier made disparaging
remarks about Georgia University football players: The humility to say
he was kidding or… he was sorry… or barring that… a walker.