By Stan Silliman
PROPER ETIQUETTE ON HECKLING DAVIS LOVE III
First off, let me say I abhor heckling. It’s rude. It’s boorish. It smacks of bad manners.
It’s the antithesis of everything that’s genteel and pure about golf. It should not be done under any circumstances and if it is to be done, it shouldn’t be heaped upon that class act and gentleman - Davis Love.
But if you must, at least follow the golf heckler code of ethics.
Davis Love is certainly entitled to a higher breed of heckler… or at least one with medium brow. Save the gutter stuff for bowlers.
Always heckle from the golfer’s right (assuming he’s right handed) so that you’re in his line of sight. It doesn’t hurt to wear a Greg Norman outfit and big clown nose.
Never heckle during a backswing. But during a persistent swishy waggle is always permissible.
Never say “Hey, Putter, Putter, Putter, Putter.”
Never say Davis Love is going to be Third.
Never say if Davis Love were any thinner he’d have to stack his eyes. That’s way too long.
Never tell Davis Love that if his pen runs out of blue ink, he could always stick the pen in his arm and draw blood. Even though North Carolina blue runs through his veins, that heckle is too long and most people won’t get it. Keep them short.
Gentle and permissible heckles:
When taking an extremely long time lining up a shot. “Hey, Davis, you could have walked it to the hole by now.”
More slow play - “Waiting for Enron to come back?”
Wearing a particularly outlandish outfit - “What did you do? Steal that from a blind golfer?”
When Davis pleads for quiet, yell “Everybody quiet. Davis can’t hear his Rolex ticking.”
After a bad tee shot - “You shouldn’t drink and drive.”
After hitting it into the deep rough - “Carry a machete in your bag?”
After hitting it on the green but miles from the cup - “Do you want me to loan your caddy a transit?”
After hitting it into the sand - “Hey, Trep! In a trap? Don’t trip.”
To be fair to Davis Love, he may need a few heckler handles and comebacks. He may have his own but here are a few recommendations:
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I could afford the wood I’d have your mouth boarded up.
If you were any more stupid, you’d have to be watered twice a week.
I’m sorry, I don’t speak alcoholic.
I thought I told you to stay in the cart.
When we’re done I’ll still be Davis Love… and you’ll still be stupid.
If I wanted to look at you, I’d have to be a proctologist.
Hey, I’m working here. What does it look like I’m doing, playing a game?
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