A possible new innovation has occurred in the staid old game of golf: T-Mates.

    Why has this happened? Easy to answer: Golf is a very hard game, painfully obvious while watching the Master’s Golf last week. Well then, you say, can something be done to make the game easier and more pleasant? I’m sure the owners of Rio Secco Golf Course in Las Vegas flashed on this very thought when they created the T-Mate program at their course.

    What’s a T-Mate you ask, and how does a T-Mate assist you in a round of golf?  Fortunately, for both of us, these burning questions are answered in Rio Secco’s brochure. First off, a T-Mate is “fun,” “outgoing,” (great, cause you hate it when someone’s ingoing) “physically fit,” “attractive,” “has a great personality,” and “supportive.” Yes. Those are the great traits you seek when looking for someone to escort you around a golf course, especially the “attractive” and “supportive” parts. What golfer doesn’t want a physically fit, fun and attractive person saying ‘good shot’ even when you slice. You’re going to play better golf when your spirits are up.

    So what else does a T-Mate do for you during your round of golf, and by the way, a round of golf on a Rees Jones course voted by Golf Digest as one of the Top Ten new courses in 1997? Glad you asked. We again scanned the brochure and found that a T-Mate “greets you at the front door,” “maintains the score card,” (we think this means Keep Score?) “assists players on the green,” (like lifting the pin stick? helping line up a ball?) “creates a fun and exciting environment,” “provides beverages,” “calls in lunch orders,” (yeah, because we’re sure most golfers don’t carry around cell phones) “replaces divots,” (here, we’re wondering whether some golfers will intentionally make more divots… just to see their T-Mates bend over and do their replacement duties. We bet Rio Secco didn’t think of that.) “move carts as needed,” “supply extra tees, ball markers,” “inform players of obstacles.”

After reading the brochure, I’m thinking: caddy. Beautiful, attractive $ 200 per round caddies. The brochure also says it’s best to reserve your T-Mate ninety days in advance. Now, I don’t wish to sound bitter or jealous but… I was a caddy and caddied in pro tournaments and when I caddied, no one ever handed out brochures asking to reserve me 90 days in advance. I was (I’m scanning the credentials) uh…uh… “supportive.” I knew how to “replace divots” and “wash balls” and “assist players on the green” but no one paid me $ 200 for one round (thank you, Julius Boros, for my best ever tip… but it was still far below $ 200) nor were we encouraged to pose for  bipedal cheesecake brochure photos (although I could have flashed a pretty leg or two.) Like I said, I’m trying not to sound jealous.

I’m trying not to sound jealous because I’m sure this is a worthy, necessary service we never thought of when we caddied. Pretty ladies (and gents for the women) all chosen from a modeling agency is a great idea when practiced in Vegas. In some other town, the idea might come off as sleazy. It might even be construed as some form of prostitution. But in Vegas? Nah. We’re sure everything is legit and above board… because it’s Vegas. And no matter how tempting it might be to take the “Rio Secco” logo of this wonderful golf club, and therefore forever bar myself from playing there, and note the way the double lower case c’s connect together in script and how easily it would be to take two little crossed lines to make the C’s into X’s, we won’t go there.  We won’t go there because, in the words of my favorite quitting-office president, Richard Nixon: “It would be wrong.”