You saw the film.
Dwyane Wade goes down in pain but you expect him to jump back up. He
always has before but this time his left shoulder is dislocated. How
dislocated? Like in Broward County, that’s how far out it was. Dwyane
Wade’s shoulder was hanging, like a chad, in Broward County. So bad you
wouldn’t ask Al Gore to go in and set things straight.
You may have seen this other film, where Los Angeles
Clipper point guard Shaun Livingston falls to the floor and hurts his
knee. If you did I feel sorry for you. If you haven’t, let me give you
an idea. Livingston’s knee cap is twisted… to the side. It looks like
Mickey Mouse crawled up inside his leg, under the skin, up his
shin trying to find a way out. Not graphic enough for you? Okay,
instead picture Shaun playing tennis with two tennis balls in his
pocket. Then pretend there’s a hole in his pocket and a hole in his leg
and the two tennis balls have fallen… Forget it, that’s getting too bad
even for me to write about. Only saving grace, Al Gore was in town
prepping for the Oscars, heard about Shaun’s kneecap, thought they said
“icecap” so he rushed down to see if he could help.
You didn’t think I’d let you off with only one Al
Gore joke, did you?
Connecting thread on the above season-ending
basketball injuries? Both players had made television ads for Gatorade.
We’re not trying to suggest “jinx” but if you’re a basketball player
and you’re not named Michael Jordan, you might want to think twice
before signing an endorsement contract with Gatorade.
Not enough proof, you say? Maybe not, however
consider who has had a swollen toe the size of a VW Bug? Who has
been one of the most injured centers ever since he joined the league?
If you answered the Gatorade endorsing Yao Ming, you get the brass
Maybe we’re jumping to an erroneous conclusion so we
went straight to the source, to the Gator himself – Ali Gator – to ask
him about people maligning his wonderful product. And just so you know,
we knew Mr. Gator has an Arabic name, and yes, we knew better than to draw a picture
of him with dynamite in his teeth. And we’re sure you’re asking
the same thing “How does a gator come to someone’s aid?” Does he see
you hanging off the banks of a river, ready to plunge to a painful
death on the rocks and then reach down and grab you in his jaws? We
asked Mr. Gator that very question and he answered that yes, if he saw
a guy ready to fall he would reach down, grab him with his mouth… and
then eat him. How is that aiding a guy, you ask? Mr. Gator, Ali Gator,
says he saves the guy from a useless death and then, taking a cue from
Al Gore, recycles the guy into food.
And then, Mr. Gator, coming to his senses, reminds
us that “Gatorade” is a drink, not an “aid” and in the past year the
biggest beneficiary of Gatorade sales, the University of Florida, won
two national championships (basketball and football). He then says the
two season ending injuries of the basketball Gatorade endorsers were
just coincidences and should not keep future basketball stars from
wishing to endorse his drink. We say fine, but what about that Florida
guy hanging over the cliff that you saved and then ate? Here is where
Ali Gator proves to be both politically astute and quite aware of our
running gag. “The hanging guy,” says Ali “His name was Chad.”