|Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
FORMULA ONE DRIVERS INVADING NASCAR?
“It’s a scandal, Silliman, you need to write about it... about all these little sport car drivers jumping into my sport.” Oh no, it’s former neighbor Lyle, with another gripe about foreigners taking over NASCAR.
“It’s rubbing me raw, Silliman, even the Firecracker 400 (Coke Zero) has that Juan Pablo Gomez Gonzales fellow…”
Montoya, I correct him. Juan Pablo Montoya.
“I don’t care. He’s from way down South and he’s way too tiny to be a NASCAR driver. Ain’t fair. It’s like lettin’ that midget MiniMe be a jockey. That’s cheating. You can’t let midgets be jockeys. A horse is going to think a fly landed on him and he’ll spend all his energy swatting his tail.”
Juan Pablo? He’s from Colombia and he’s been racing in NASCAR for…
“I know, Silliman,” says Lyle “he weighs so little he can probably use the smuggled cocaine as a seat cushion. I don’t think it’s fair. This is our Independence Day race and they let guys who didn’t grow up in the South be in this thing. It’s pretty much un-American.”
That’s ridiculous, Lyle, you’re just chapped because Formula One guys are better drivers.
“Oh no, you didn’t. These wealthy playboys with their 10-million dollar cars shouldn’t be on the same track with guys who learned to drive outrunning the cops. Those F1 guys are midgets, little bitty, squeaky voiced, compact Latin lover midgets.”
Lyle, just admit they’re better drivers. They run those Grand Prix races in the rain. You ever see NASCAR run a race in the rain?
“Well, Silliman, did you ever rent a party limo? I’m talking big-stretch, stretched longer than Joan Rivers face… like now her nose can be used for her belly button… stretched a half a block and then you find the driver is some little Bolivian midget? With his ‘attencion, passengers’ in a midget voice. I know he has to be sitting on three phone books to look over the steering wheel. I don’t want to limosined around by a driver who has to jump to get in the driver’s seat. Those are big machines and they shouldn’t even be making little-bitty limo driver hats. Same with NASCAR, some of these Formula One shrimps are getting into the truck series.”
You got upset because your limo driver couldn’t reach the breaks. Maybe they had steering wheel breaks? By the way, did you know the steering wheel on an F1 cost more than an entire NASCAR vehicle?
“Nelson Piquet won Bristol in March,” says Lyle, “then Team X brought Daniel Suarez in, Mexican, I think. It’s getting…”
Stop this. Your sport is expanding. All the drivers don’t have to beer drinking six-footers.
“Yes, they do, Silliman. It’s an American sport with us Americans are all getting humongous and NASCAR should reflect this. We let guys in who grew up on rice and tamales and it won’t be NASCAR no more. Carlos Iaconelli is now racing. He’s from Brazil. You start letting the Brazilians in and everyone will have to get a bikini wax. Next thing you know, NASCAR guys will be on calendars wearing Speedos.”
Well, we can’t have that, Lyle. Now, I understand. I’ll get the story out pronto.
|Silliman On Sports
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