Stan Silliman is a
                  humorist-public speaker appearing on stage and at over
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By Stan Silliman
       
FIFA WORLD CUP FANS: SURVIVAL TIPS 


Sao Paolo police advice to FIFA World Cup fans ďDonít scream.Ē
 
Telling soccer fans not to scream is like telling the Marlboro Man to quit smoking, Elvis not to gyrate, Miley Cyrus not to twerk. Soccer fans are born to scream. But, in this case in picturesque Sao Paolo, not screaming could save your lifeÖ while youíre getting mugged, which may happen, make that more than likely will happenÖ by Brazilian robbers.
 
The Sao Paolo police printed a brochure painting a picture of city life in Sao PaoloÖ you get robbed, you keep your mouth shut, you live. You go all crazy, scream at your muggers, as many have, then the muggers get hot tempered and shoot you. In other words, thereís not a policeman on every corner, so donít expect them come to your rescue. It says so in their brochure.
 
You know what else it should say in their brochure? Donít come. Donít get robbed. Donít get trampled by hundreds of thousands of protestors. Protestors are not happy so much money is being spent on unfinished stadiums instead of social services. Donít come to the half built stadiums where you may or may not get a ticket depending on how many seats are installed by match time.  And if you do come, donít walk around with fancy watches and bulging wallets.  Also, donít hit on the beautiful half dressed women on the streets, fantastically beautiful but also more than likely to be menÖ who will rob you.  
 
In less than two weeks three million six hundred thousand fans will descend upon Sao Paolo for the FIFA World Cup, two hundred thousand of these from the USA. Here are some other things that may or may not be in the brochure: Travel in groups (we suggest 75), carry mugger money. Be ready to empty your pockets and have enough cash so the mugger doesnít get mad. In other words, donít insult him with petty cash. You can be just as dead by being too cheap as you can by being too loud. Never say the Brazilian soccer team stinks. In fact, it wouldnít hurt to know the team song as well as the Brazilian anthem, and know how to hum them. Always be mindful your mugger is probably a soccer fan, a fervent one at that.
 
If your mugger wants you to play a game of hacky sack or juggle soccer balls, be ready to do so. Donít insult his juggling ability, even if heís lousy. Tell him heís the best soccer juggler youíve seen today and on top of the money heís robbing from you, youíre going to give him a tip. It is best to tell your mugger in Portuguese but when you compliment him in their language try not to over accentuate the trills and the lilt. If you mention his gun, and you remark on the pearl handle, donít ask where he got it.
We want to emphasize the part about not insulting the Brazilian soccer team. Fans in that country are very feverish about their teams. You may have heard about the Brazilian referee who got in a fight with a player, knifed the player then ended up stoned to death, drawn-and-quartered with his head on a stake.  Two things to remember: Brazilian fans are very serious about their soccer.  Brazilian muggers donít like to be yelled at.  
 
Other things to remember: Brazilians loved to be kissed on both cheeks. The best and most beautiful bananas in the world are from Brazil. Donít tell your mugger his nose or any other appendage looks like a bananaÖ no matter how pretty it is. And donít forget to kiss your muggerÖ on both cheeks.
 
Another thing to remember: Donít go.



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