If you think
you’re Blake Griffin slam dunking on a goal… er…
make that a goalpost in the NFL, think again. It
will cost your team 15 yards in 2014 according to
Dean Blandino, VP of NFL officiating.
told us this on the Dan Patrick Show March
25th. The reason? Ex-basketball playing tight
ends like Jimmy Graham and Tony Gonzales were
slam dunking the football and sometimes
causing the goal to shift to one side. Most
notably this happened in Atlanta on the
Hmmm. Before everyone piles on to Mr. Blandino
or Commissioner Goodell, let’s consider the
offended party, the goalpost! Hey guys,
goalposts have feelings, too. How would
you like it if your job is to stand straight
and tall on a football field, then after the
crowd gets pumped from an exciting touchdown a
receiver celebrates by doing a basketball
move. A slam dunk is an exciting
basketball play but when you’re doing it at
one end of the goalpost you’re putting a bunch
of stress on an already stressed individual.
What? You don’t believe us. Well I guess we’re
going to have to interview a special guest so
you’ll understand. He’s a little media shy and
he lives in Owen Field in Norman, Oklahoma.
Silliman on Sports readers, here’s Gary
GGP: Thanks, Stan, just for
visiting. It’s gets lonely out here especially
in the winter. Don’t stick your tongue on me.
SOS: Okay, Gary, I’ll be careful not
to. We’re here because new NFL rules will
penalize players for doing the “slam-dunk”
move after touchdowns. Fans think it’s just
doing more to take the fun out of the game.
What do you think?
GGP: Fun-schmun, you didn’t know I knew
Yiddish, did you? I say it’s about time. We
don’t get no respect. Did I sound like Rodney?
We are the most important guys in your game
and sometimes… I’ll just go ahead and say it –
you treat us like crap. Do we ever let YOU
down? We hold our arms 30’ feet in the air,
20’ long, all game long. We’re there for your
extra points, your game winning field goals.
We need to be treated better. We’d unionize if
SOS: Gary, everything you’re saying is
on the record. Don’t say anything you’ll
regret. It’s just that some fans felt the
goalpost in the Georgia Dome was substandard
because it bent when being hit with a slam
dunk. They thought it might be lighter
material which invited an unnecessary rule
GGP: Oh, it was necessary! And this
year, in the NFL they are stretching the arms
an additional five feet. Those NFL posts will
have 25’ arms! Imagine if you had to hold up
arms which are taller than you are wide.
That’s why our arms and our crossbars are
aluminum. So we can bend in the wind and not
break. By the way, in the NFL this year they
are moving extra point kicks back to the 20
yard line. We’re going to be even more
SOS: So stop with the Rodney
Dangerfield act, Gary. It sounds like you guys
are getting plenty respect.
GGP: Oh, I’ll keep saying it. We cost $
9000 and still you fans when you get all drunk
TEAR us down! After all we’ve done. Oklahoma
State University December 3, 2011, poor old
Gregory Goalpost gets ripped down after they
beat OU. They broke him! But he put 13 of
those Aggie Pokes in the hospital. Absolutely
no respect! At Colorado University, every time
those drunks win, the posts come down. Luckily
for Gavin Goalpost in Boulder, they don’t win
very often. Up at Kansas last year, they won a
game, smashed down the posts and threw it in
Potter Lake. I wanted to attend Gilbert’s
funeral but couldn’t find a flight. And at
Baylor, listen to this, Baptist University and
all, they beat Texas A & M in overtime.
They not only took down poor Glenn, the CUT
HIM UP in little pieces and sold him for
souvenirs! No respect, I say! We cost $
9000, people. We’re a proud 18’6” wide and you
guys abuse us. Sorry, I just had to vent.
friend at facebook.com/stan.silliman