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DEFENDING
                                                          THE GOAL POSTS
                                                          by Stan
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By Stan Silliman
       
DEFENDING THE GOAL POSTS

  

If you think you’re Blake Griffin slam dunking on a goal… er… make that a goalpost in the NFL, think again. It will cost your team 15 yards in 2014 according to Dean Blandino, VP of NFL officiating.

 
Dean told us this on the Dan Patrick Show March 25th. The reason? Ex-basketball playing tight ends like Jimmy Graham and Tony Gonzales were slam dunking the football and sometimes causing the goal to shift to one side. Most notably this happened in Atlanta on the Falcons field.
 
Hmmm. Before everyone piles on to Mr. Blandino or Commissioner Goodell, let’s consider the offended party, the goalpost! Hey guys, goalposts have feelings, too.  How would you like it if your job is to stand straight and tall on a football field, then after the crowd gets pumped from an exciting touchdown a receiver celebrates by doing a basketball move.  A slam dunk is an exciting basketball play but when you’re doing it at one end of the goalpost you’re putting a bunch of stress on an already stressed individual. What? You don’t believe us. Well I guess we’re going to have to interview a special guest so you’ll understand. He’s a little media shy and he lives in Owen Field in Norman, Oklahoma. Silliman on Sports readers, here’s Gary Goalpost:
 
GGP:  Thanks, Stan, just for visiting. It’s gets lonely out here especially in the winter. Don’t stick your tongue on me.
 
SOS: Okay, Gary, I’ll be careful not to. We’re here because new NFL rules will penalize players for doing the “slam-dunk” move after touchdowns. Fans think it’s just doing more to take the fun out of the game. What do you think?
 
GGP: Fun-schmun, you didn’t know I knew Yiddish, did you? I say it’s about time. We don’t get no respect. Did I sound like Rodney? We are the most important guys in your game and sometimes… I’ll just go ahead and say it – you treat us like crap. Do we ever let YOU down? We hold our arms 30’ feet in the air, 20’ long, all game long. We’re there for your extra points, your game winning field goals. We need to be treated better. We’d unionize if we could.
 
SOS: Gary, everything you’re saying is on the record. Don’t say anything you’ll regret. It’s just that some fans felt the goalpost in the Georgia Dome was substandard because it bent when being hit with a slam dunk. They thought it might be lighter material which invited an unnecessary rule change.
 
GGP: Oh, it was necessary! And this year, in the NFL they are stretching the arms an additional five feet. Those NFL posts will have 25’ arms! Imagine if you had to hold up arms which are taller than you are wide. That’s why our arms and our crossbars are aluminum. So we can bend in the wind and not break. By the way, in the NFL this year they are moving extra point kicks back to the 20 yard line. We’re going to be even more important.
DEFENDING THE GOAL POSTS by Stan
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SOS: So stop with the Rodney Dangerfield act, Gary. It sounds like you guys are getting plenty respect.
 
GGP: Oh, I’ll keep saying it. We cost $ 9000 and still you fans when you get all drunk TEAR us down! After all we’ve done. Oklahoma State University December 3, 2011, poor old Gregory Goalpost gets ripped down after they beat OU. They broke him! But he put 13 of those Aggie Pokes in the hospital. Absolutely no respect! At Colorado University, every time those drunks win, the posts come down. Luckily for Gavin Goalpost in Boulder, they don’t win very often. Up at Kansas last year, they won a game, smashed down the posts and threw it in Potter Lake. I wanted to attend Gilbert’s funeral but couldn’t find a flight. And at Baylor, listen to this, Baptist University and all, they beat Texas A & M in overtime. They not only took down poor Glenn, the CUT HIM UP in little pieces and sold him for souvenirs! No respect, I say!  We cost $ 9000, people. We’re a proud 18’6” wide and you guys abuse us. Sorry, I just had to vent.


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