Pete Rose… lecturing at a kid’s baseball camp, great idea, right?

    We thought so when we heard about this. Have the U.S. Army instill teamwork, sportsmanship, idealism by gathering a bunch of kiddo baseball fans then send them to a camp of Cincinnati Red legends so they can learn great life lessons.  Why, what could possibly go wrong??

    Apparently, things didn’t turn out so Rosie. According to Cincinnati.Com, Uncle Pete turned out to be the uncle that, even on Thanksgiving, is best left in the basement so he doesn’t frighten decent folk. He’s the uncle you hear all about but you don’t want to hear from. He’s the “legend” who apparently gives his speech to kids in French because every few words he asks to be pardoned for using it. He’s the “legend” whose language embarrasses an army staff sergeant.
Let me repeat, an army sergeant embarrassed about language! He’s the one speaker who spoke for an hour while all the other legends kept to their twenty minutes. The guy giving Pete the light had to replace his batteries three times. 

    Didn’t they know? Did the U.S. Army Recruiting Station even bother to ask the other Cincinnati Reds players what they were getting in Rose? You would think the U.S. Army, being part of the U.S. Government could have received shared information from the I.R.S., another branch of the U.S. Government, who could have told them just what a cursed soul the hit king was. And if that weren’t enough they could have asked anybody in Cincinnati if they’d have Pete Rose come talk to your Little Leaguer? And if the answer didn’t involve pardoning more French, then it wasn’t an honest answer.

    What life lessons did Mr. Rose instill? Glad you asked because otherwise this would have been a short column. Pete said he was… pardon his French…ed… off because Marge Schott left all her money to the zoo instead of him. Now there’s a good life lesson for the kiddies: Be irate if a chain-smoking Nazi lover doesn’t leave you a dugout load of money. Heaven knows, you might need some of that money to pay your gambling debts. Pete told them how the owner of their beloved team loved to smoke. He said Marge would even smoke in her sleep if someone would hold the cigarette for her. Life lesson: People who smoke accumulate great wealth and own baseball teams. Pete recounts how he saw Joe DiMaggio in the shower and saw more of him than Marilyn Monroe ever did. Life lesson: Kiddoes, if you want to see serious superstar genitals, make it to the Big-Leagues. Pete talked about this good friend of his who was a gambler. Life lesson: Duh!  Pete told them winning is everything and if you get second place you’re just losers.
Life lesson: Kiddoes, not only should you strive to get more hits than anyone who has ever played but should you also rise to the position of manager bet your house on every game you can. Because it’s not enough to just win the simple game you are playing. You need to be so competitive you want it all. Never relax. If someone tries to get to the front door of Safeway before you, slide in… head first. Sure you might break the glass in the Safeway door, get a few stitches, but you didn’t let that… pardon my French… bastard get in before you.          

    These are good life lessons young impressionable minds can pick up at a baseball camp.  Another good life lesson learned from baseball camp: Be careful when picking an athlete as a hero. Because Roses, we’re told, even the ones smelling less sweet come with thorns.